I can be a very weird guy… This is one of the reasons why. I can be very feminine at times, and very masculine at others. Here’s my experience with dating men, years after reading lots of RP material.

So… A while ago I was exploring the other side of my sexuality.

According to pop-science on personality types, I’m the most inclined to experiment with my own sex. Looking at my same type friends, this is absolutely correct. Also, all women that I was very attracted to and vice versa were bisexual. The more bisexual the woman in question (turned out to be), the more attracted to her I was. Probably correlation with open and bold sexuality.

I’m being tangential again, sorry. I’ve been to a few dates with bi/gay guys. As I was uncomfortable doing that, I’ve noticed a few similarities between shyly experimenting with same sex and how unconfident women likely feel on dates with guys.

I was never initiating anything that could be perceived remotely sexual by the other party. I felt like a 14 y/o school girl on her first date with a 17 y/o dude who just wants to fuck her.

The first guy was pretty open and chill the first time I’ve met him, seemed to be interested in me, I only found out he was bisexual somewhere during the convo. He was very chill, which made me want to try to go on a date (worst case nothing happens).

On the date though he was super needy and somewhat sleazy, so I didn’t meet him again.

The other guy was much better, he was purely gay – very into fashion, exotic features. I met him a few times and was more and more comfortable, but if I were a woman, at this stage of experience with dating I’d maybe have sex on like 12th date. How ironic! (I wouldn’t wait that long to have sex with a woman)

I likely would have went further, but due to my personal problems with stability – financial, drug abuse, emotional issues – this stuff stressed me too much, so I dropped it.

Being a mix of feminine and masculine (the latter I had to, and still have to work hard on) makes dating women way outside of what manosphere wants men and women to be: I don’t enjoy relationships where I’m not very attracted to someone, and my dating pool seems small as to who is attracted to me due to my character.

The good side of that coin is that the women that are attracted to me seem to be very attracted, and the relationships last long and well – even in long monogamous relationship, I never had a problem with not having enough sex, or that sex sucked, and sex was never used as a weapon (maybe I was lucky). I seem to have a decent relationship game built-in, provided I have the environment to do it (living solo or with friend).

The narrow dating pool experience seems to agree strongly with various ideas on relationships that people researching Jungian types create. According to one such person, my group (NF) is most often attracted to people within the (NF) group.

This has been my experience that SJ types seem to be invisible to my eyes. Those women even move differently. The topics they speak about turn me off. Their vibe feels ingenuine, unfun and off. Their music taste is mainstream. Their interests are gossip and manipulation. Their attitude towards work and passion uninspiring.

Uninspiring is how I would describe them altogether, although obviously this isn’t the case for all of those women.

Those must be the women majority of manosphere dates simply because maths – those are the most common types, therefore they will date most common male types, and those experiences will form the “red pill theory”…

…which has been vastly different from my experiences with women, which were in majority very positive. I only came upon manosphere because I wanted to be more confident, pickup women and know what the fuck I’m doing.

I’ve been torn apart lately between choices to make in regards to my work/financial life.

Every option seems to suck a great deal.

Right now I am living with a LTR that I’ve become bored of, plus I’m not that into LTRs. Being dependent on the money to have the apartment has been killing me inside for the past several months.

I can either go work at catering (and still not have money to move to my own apartment or with buddies), or move abroad and work a different physical job (but that’ll be yet another moving in a < 1y time frame), or go full-time grey area activities (which is stressful and risky).

The “Keep Living In This City” scenario is the ideal if I get to live in my own apartment or with a friend of mine, but is the absolute worst if I can’t get out of the apartment I’m sharing with LTR.

The “Go Abroad” scenario is less than decent, because it’ll force me to leave the country I plan to stay in.

The last scenario is unrealistic to think of long-term, but I have the capacity to work through the dangerous.

I truly have low frustration ceiling, which has set me up for drug abuse in the past. I have one part-time job set up for this month, I just need another one – but the perspective of spending even one more fucking day with my LTR makes me want destroy things.

Don’t get me wrong, the woman in question is just fine, but the circumstances aren’t. I was a dumbass to put myself into cohabitation. Now I’m paying the price: I don’t get the weekly excitement (I see her everyday), I am bored (I see her everyday), she pisses me off (I need to focus on my music, I need silence, I don’t want her talking).

Why was I such an idiot and thought it’d be good idea to move in? I told myself I’d find a job quickly and move out, but I didn’t.

Enough of this self-loathing. I wish I had a coach, or mentor… Those are outside of my earnings though, which is ironic – if my earnings were fine, I wouldn’t need a mentor.

I have another post coming up on the women’s perspective on sexuality during dates.

Since I was asked if I were still writing…. I barely initiate contact these days.

I am currently severely depressed, without job and without money to leverage getting help. Currently living at my female friend’s that got in love with me. I have a long history of drug abuse, which beyond taking about 10% of money I somehow get every month, doesn’t aid in my recovery either.

Every next day is a nuisance. I try to maintain anything in a routine and fail. I don’t know what mood will I have in next few hours. I just await. I have little mood control or understanding. I am going to a psychiatrist from an addiction therapy centre that I found to be covered by basic public health insurance that I still have, but the cognitive-behavioural therapy that I’m aiming for is very unlikely to be covered by that insurance.

I seem to be far on the severity spectrum. I get hypomanic for a few days, then an 180 to depressed for another few. And it so goes on.

I’ve been trying getting a part-time job for a couple months now – a job that wouldn’t stress me to oblivion as I’m already on edge most of the time. I’ve had two offers so far to which both I haven’t went to or replied, having anxiety high. Whenever I’m asked from an online interviewer to send pictures or something, it takes me weeks to reply. I quit gaming, my drug cravings got twice as bad.

The only thing I’m interested in is creating music. Problem is, 95% of all things other than music I have little to zero interest in,. Making money, eating, meeting new people, having sex, going out. I guess I could say I’m a prime example of the depressed artist stereotype now.

There is so much I wanted to write on women and life, yet I felt so dissociated. It’s hard to focus on anything when you feel and behave like trash. Redpill-esque knowledge doesn’t help, as I don’t feel in control during hard phases like this one at all, and it only moves me further down the trash narrative. It feels good and motivating when I’m not in that state, though. For a while.

Out of good news, I’m going to DJ in a week and a half. Out of bad news, my friend that I have musical project with (he’s the visual animator, I’m the music producer) got sort of paused because the guy believes my female friend I’m living with is giving me something (an open relationship) that she wasn’t keen on giving him. Truth is, his relationship was a long time ago, he’s taking it very personally and last but not least, I’m not even using the potential that I have in even 1%. That being said, he’s probably in a shit mental spot himself and that just topped it off, even though I am several fold more emotional person than he is. He’s the definition of analytical rational dude. That’s attractive in its own.

Don’t know where to end this. Truth is, I hate regular jobs. I love being creative. I think I’m becoming pretty good at this. But the unstable physical, financial and mental life situation is getting the best of me. I do not want a full time job as that’ll force me to reduce time spent on music. At this point though, even full-time would be fine for a month or two, just to stabilize myself. I don’t know how I’m going to find it, ’cause I’ve been sabotaging myself at every step. Anxiety ridden life is no joke. Disclaimer: I’ve never been to a single job for longer than three months. I get sick of it by that time.

Hopefully despite the depressive content you found something useful or entertaining here.

Disclaimer: I am in my mid 20s, I’m a naturally novelty- and excitement-oriented person and I did drugs for the half of my conscious life.

I don’t think a man can fully realize how much sexual variety he needs, enjoys, wants – for optimal long-term happiness – until he tries it, and maybe overdoes it a little.

I’ve had my first long-term girlfriend (and second sexual partner) at age 18, with whom I was monogamous for 4 years.

Interestingly, my never-met-due-to-being-dead father was non-monogamous in his 20s. Back then there was no Internet and it the country he lived in was located in Eastern Europe, not a developed country then, so I don’t think it was a popular thing either. It’s weird to get to know such things about your parents (like that they did drugs) when in your teenage years. It set me up to try paths that are unusual, unsafe, undesired, unapproved by most people – for me those paths were drug experimenting and non-monogamy.

Despite my desire to have sex with other girls a few months into the relationship, I was neglecting and jamming that desire for 4 years, mostly because I believed myself to be a special snowflake swimming upstream when in reality I was afraid what other people would say about me and what my girlfriend would say and do. Scarcity mentality right there. Most guys who have no fathers don’t do well with girls, or they could do well, but they get lemons and have no fucking idea they could make lemonade with them.

Universe’s most hilarious irony, my back-then girlfriend, who I’ll call Hwi Nori Girl, turned out to be not jealous at all, cool with non-monogamy – in fact she cheered for me whenever I told her stories of girls I was interested in yet I would not game not to hurt Hwi Nori’s feelings. Oh the cringe.

The unconscious speaks to me through dreams

Since past few years, I’ve had an on and off relationship with dream journaling. Over the years I’ve noticed that the longer and more I journal, the less I need to consciously analyze dreams – most dreams’ meanings become obvious while writing them down, at least semi-consistently. I seem to have a gift for dreams.

Before meeting Hwi Nori Girl I had wet dreams where I was meeting a girl with no face that had a succubic presence to her, which indicates I desired a woman that would be very sexual with me. I’ve got my wish – Hwi Nori and I mantain a relationship 6 years long and we’re not bored of each other yet. An important ingredient is not to meet too often, plus she’s not my girlfriend anymore, to my and her joy. Meeting women too often (like more than once a week) makes me bored and uninterested in sex with them quickly.

This night I had 3 separate dreams in which I’ve had sex with 3 different women, whose faces nor names were not important, important was that they differed from each other in looks and behaviour. I’ve never had this strong unconscious force telling me to man the fuck up and talk to new women. I’ve recently moved to a bigger city to find new work prospects as I’m having financial issues, and decided to temporarily (I give it time until October) move into Freak Girl’s apartment. She’s in her early 30s, sufficiently attractive to me and easily aroused.

Despite recently experiencing more sexual variety on a regular basis (i.e. not serial monogamy) than an average guy, I don’t think I’ve nearly hit the point where I’m satisfied with it. Can I be satisfied, though? After fucking Freak Girl for two weeks, I dropped by my old city and met Hwi Nori Girl. Fucking her felt like such a relief (that relief seemed to be reciprocated). I’m not sure whether it is how fun and easy-going sex and hanging out with her are, or how new her light skin, calm persona, sex moves felt. Both felt equally strong.

Those two girls have been regulars in my life for the past few months. I say to myself I’d be satisfied with 3, but I don’t know. I keep getting excited over the new. Grass is greener is strong in this guy.

I am in no position right now to fully embark Game New Girls plan right now due to non-existent logistics, but I do think I’ve been making a mistake by not talking to enough girls on a daily basis. I seem to be doing alright once I get past the fear of rejection and once I make an effort everyday – a good-looking loser. Girls give less fucks about shit we men like to worry about like being broke, not being smooth in pickup and so on.

On sexual variety continued

Blackdragon recently posted about his most intense sexual variety days. I do know for certain I have not yet been in this place. So far it’s always been that I’m not meeting say ~3 girls that are very attractive and into me at the same time. I’m very likely setting unreasonable standards for myself there. I don’t think it’s good for my mental well-being to deem myself unsatisfied all the way until I get to that end point.

But until I get overboard, I don’t have the knowledge to say how much sexual variety do I need and how strong my libido is. I find that if I contained my libido for a single girl, I want to have sex maybe once or twice a week. Several girls? I feel happier in that place, and I have sex several times a week. I believe that acting on sexual variety desires makes most men happier. It definitely does make more honest living, but most people aren’t honest with themselves – I know I wasn’t.

A guy who has not experienced variety and speaks positively about monogamy is bullshitting himself and others. That guy has no idea of his libido and desires because most guys’ libidos are tied to variety. That guy has no say because it’s so easy to disregard something you can’t get.

This got longer and less specific than I wanted – something I want to work on so you the Readers can waste less time and extract more value. So I end here.

I’d really appreciate the feedback, especially on writing – I do worry I might be too tangential (my issue in music production as well) and boring at places.

You’ve suggested me to start my own game blog. So I do. I do feel like I need it. I also do feel that a blog like mine is needed for guys like me. I think there is scarcity of more feminine leaning guys writing about women.

…the very first thing a game guy needs to do is recognize reality (or have a force of determination so strong that he creates his own reality… a lot of the best players seem to believe their own hype, which leads to success with chicks

The Red Quest, ” Location-independent businesses are rarer than online seminar hucksters would have you believe “

I was never into organised, methodical approach for game. I seem to be more into “inner game”. Last several months I made a considerable progress (mostly visible to my closest friends) in regards to self-esteem, which used to lifetime low.

I seem to slowly start believing my own hype. I center my life around my artistic pursuits, which until recently I haven’t been that big believer of. This transforms constantly. Whenever I’m making music daily, I feel on top of the world, whether I progressed a lot or just a little towards finishing whatever track I’m working on. Chicks sense that, I sense that; I always become so happy, fulfilled and confident after working on music. I can’t fear or care about women’s opinions of me (but I do care for women) in that state.

I have to say stumbling upon red pill material 2 years ago devastated my values, or rather lack of thereof. It was super painful and still is. However, 2 years ago I would not have thought that now I would be the guy someone else’s girlfriend has sex with. Speaking of which, as a person who is driven by values (i.e. what is the right thing to do?) and emotions, I used to feel guilty whenever I had sex where someone’s feelings could get hurt.

Nevertheless, now that I’m writing this, I am very happy that I did stumble upon these ideologies. I almost became a misogynist, and I did get hooked on the trash that is repeated in manosphere, which is a grand majority of manosphere, especially the Reddit subs – source of 0.1% gold, 99.9% garbage. These days I mostly read a few selected honest bloggers… Whom I thank for the bravery and honesty. Not every guy has the balls to approach women… Talk to them… State intentions… Admit his life sucks, or his sex sucks, or that he wants more… Admit to mistakes… And not play Internet Bravado.

That is true confidence. That is a rare guy.